1 – Pick up cat and cradle it with on the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks, while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2 – Retrieve pill from floor and cat behind the sofa. Cradle cat in left harm and repeat process.
3 – Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4 – Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth closed for count of ten.
5. Retrieve from the goldfish bowl and the cat from the top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6 – Kneel on floor with the cat wedged firmly between knees., hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to held head firmly while on hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat’s throat.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15 - Arrange for SPCA to get new home for the cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
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