Reading: An Antartian Joke

This is a new type of joke: the antartian joke. Antartian jokes are popular in the United States. The word "Antartian" cannot be found in any dictionary, but it means a stupid person.

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don´t know what it is." 

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to  moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother"

Glossary:

two shiny, silver wals: duas paredes brilhantes de cor prateada.

wide-eyed: com os olhos estatelados

weelchair: cadeira de rodas

to press: apertar

small circles of light... light up: pequenos círculos luminosos com números acima das paredes, que se acendem.

sew: costurar:

in good health: com boa saúde

Fonte: Revista Speak Up - edição 287 

Are you a shopaholic?

Shopping Addiction - More Common than Most People Think

People who "shop ´till they drop" and run their credit cards up to the limit often have a sho they will feel better. Compulsive shopping and spending generally makes a person feel worse. It is similar to ther addictive behaviours and has some of the same characteristics as problem drinking (alcoholism), gambling and overeating.

P.S. A expressão "Shop ´till you drop" em inglês refere-se ao consumismo exagerado e compulsivo.

Por hoje é só. Amanhã tem mais. See you.

Guilherme.

Reading: Christmas with the Mafia

The young son of a Mafia boss is sitting at his desk, trying to write a Christmas list to send to Baby Jesus. He begins: "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..."

He looks at the letter, but realises it is no good. So he crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

A few minutes later he gets out a new piece of paper and starts writing again:

"Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..."

Again, he looks at the letter and throws it away.

The little boy then gets an idea. He goes into his mother´s room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in his closet and locks the door.

He takes another piece of paper and writes:

"Dear Baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."

fonte: Revista Speak Up, edição nº 280

Reading: Silly Joke

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. 

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" 

She replied, "I'm having a baby." 

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" 

She said, "He sure is." 

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?" 

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." 

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked... 

"Then why did you eat him?"

Reading: Perfume

Perfume os a mixture of fragrant essencial oils and aroma compounds, fixatives, and solvents used to give the human body, animals, objects, and living spaces a pleasant scent. The odoriferous compounds that make up a perfume can be extracted from plant or animal sources.

In ancient times people used herbs and spices, as well as flowers, to make perfumes. Modern perfumery began in the late 19th century with the commercial synthesis o aroma compounds, which allowed using different fragrances in the composition of perfumes.

Here are some common oils which inspire perfume designers: violet, vanilla, lily, tobacco, gardenia, bamboo, lavender, jasmine, cinnamon.

Vocabulary:

compound - mistura, combinação

pleasant - agradável

scent - odor, cheiro

spice - tempero

Por hoje é só, amanhã tem mais. See you.

Guilherme.

Reading: Now this is drunk

Depois dessa, por hoje é só, amanhã tem mais. See you.
Guilherme.

The Winter Olympic Games

The Winter Olympic Games are a multi-sport event held every four years. The first one took place in Chamonix, France, in 1984. Since their experienced significant changes, especially with the rise of television, which has enchanced the profile of the games.

The Winter Olympics have been hosted on three continets, but never in a country in the southern hemisphere. The United States has hosted the Games four times, and France, three times. In 2014, Sochi will be the first Russian city to host the Winter Olympics.

Some current sports in the Winter Olympic Games are: Alpine skiing, biathlon, cross-contry skiing, curling, ice hockey, snowboarding, speed skating and others.

vocabulary:

take place - acontecer; realizar-se

inception - início; começo

rise - aumento; ascenção

enchance - melhorar; abrilhantar

profile - perfil

host - sediar; hospedar

Shit is the most functional English word

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE. THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD 

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! 

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. 

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit. 

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. 

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. 

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. 

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. 

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. 

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. 

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. 

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. 

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. 

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose. 

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. 

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!! 

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit! 

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head.......... 

Well, Shit Happens!!!

Reading: A Pastor’s life

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill, farewell offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn’t flinch. He raised the hat to heaven. "I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."

Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!"

"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'" "Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'" "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"

A pastor places his order at the pet store: "I need at least 50 mice, 2000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get." The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?" The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the congregation council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."

Reading: Newspapers

Newspapers are regularly scheduled publications containing news of current events, informative articles, and advertising.

General-interest newspapers typically publish stories on local and national political events and personalities, crime, business, entertainment, society and sports. Most traditional papers also have a page containing editorials written by an editor and columns that express the personal opinions of writers.

Vocabulary:

scheduled = programado, planejado

current events = acontecimentos atuais

advertising = propaganda

Superstitions: Clover

Clover used to be one of the anti-witch plans which protected human beings and animals from magicians and fairies, and brought good luck to those who kept it in the house. Although all clovers had this magical power, it was the rare four-leaved kind that was especially powerful. Such a plant, when found, enabled the finder to see fairies, detect witches, and recognize evil spirits. The good luck became even more powerful if the four-leaved clover was a gift. The receiver was safe from all bad spells.

Por hoje é só. Amanhã tem mais. See you.
Guilherme

Reading: You see, officer...

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway. The officer came to the driver´s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver´s license and registration?

The man said, "Well, officer, I don´t have a licese: It was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said, "What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No, sir: the car is not mine. I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."

The officer stepped back: "There is a gun in the glove box?" The man sighted and said, "Yes, sir: I used it to kill the woman who owned the car, before I stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer steps toward the back of the car and says, "Sir, do not move, I am calling for backup."

The officer calls for backup and about 10 minutes later another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver´s license and registration. The man says, "Yes, officer: here it is, right here."

It all checked out , so the officer said, "Is there a gun in the glove box, sir?"

The man laughs and says, "No, officer, why would there be a gun in the glove box?" He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk: no dead body.

The second officer says, "Sir, I do not understand: the officer that pulled you over said that you did nota have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man loos the officer in the eyes and says, 'Yeah, and I´ll bet he said I was speeding, too."


Glossary:
was pulled over for speeding: foi parado por excesso de velocidade
driver´s license and registration: carteira de motorista e documentos do carro

DUI (Driving Under the Influence): por estar dirigindo embriagado

I stole it: eu o roubei
glove box: porta-luvas
before I stuffed her in the trunk: antes de metê-la no porta-malas
steps toward the back: caminha para a traseira (do carro)
I am calling for backup: estou chamando reforço
highway patrolman: guarda da polícia rodoviária
it all checked out: estava tudo regular
laughs: ri
he had reason to believe: tinha razões para acreditar
I´ll bet he said I was speeding too: aposto como ele também disse que eu estava acima de velocidade permitida!

fonte: Revista Speak Up - edição nº 286

9 Deadly words used by a Woman

7 Wonders of the Ancient World

A "wonder" is something beautiful or exceptional that gives us a feeling of surprise or admiration.

The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World were amazing buildings and structures in ancient times. Here is the generally accepted list:

The Great Pyramid of Giza (modern Egypt) Great Pyramid of Khufu (Cheops) at Giza, outside modern Cairo, is often called the first wonder of the world. This pyramid was built around the year 2560 BC and is the only Ancient Wonder to survive today.

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon (modern Iraq) These beautiful gardens were probably built by King Nebuchadnezzar around the year 600 BC to please his queen, Amuhia. Their terraces perhaps rose as high as 300 feet.

The Statue of Zeus (Jupiter) at Olympia (modern Greece) This was a colossal 40 ft high figure in gold and ivory. It was built by Phidias in the 5th century BC.

The Temple of Artemis (Diana) at Ephesus (modern Turkey) This was a beautiful building, started about 350 BC, built in honour of the Greek goddess of hunting. The temple was destroyed by invading Goths in AD 262.

The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus (modern Turkey) This was a famous tomb built by Queen Artemisia around the year 353 BC in memory of her husband, King Mausolus. This tomb is the origin of the modern word "mausoleum".

The Colossus at Rhodes (modern Greece) This was a huge bronze statue of Helios (Apollo), about 105 ft high. It was created by the sculptor Chares, who apparently worked on it for 12 years, finally completing it in 280 BC. It was destroyed during an earthquake in 224 BC.

The Pharos of Alexandria (modern Egypt) This was a lighthouse built by Sostratus of Cnidus during the 3rd century BC on the island of Pharos. It was destroyed by an earthquake in the 13th century.

Word Checker:

AD: abbreviation for "Anno Domini" (after Christ)

ancient: very old, the very distant past

BC: abbreviation for "before Christ"

ft: foot or feet (3 feet = approximately 1 metre)

lighthouse: a tower with a light to warn ships at sea

mausoleum: a large building containing a tomb or tombs

sculptor: an artist who makes sculptures

referência: www.englishclub.com

Por hoje é só. Amanhã tem mais. See you.

Guilherme.

Short jokes - very funny

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? 

The mafia wants either ur money or life... 

The wives want both!

Marriage is like a public toilet Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.

No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied With 4 things in life.

(1) Mobile

(2) Automobile

(3) TV

(4) Wife

Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.

Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`

Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. 

It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.

Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!

Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married.

He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, 

but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!

Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:

All girls are devils,

but my wife is the queen of them.

Reading: Lesson in life

A wise man sat in the audience and cracked a joke. Everybody laughs like crazy. After a moment, he cracked the same joke again. This time, less people laughed. 

He cracked the same joke again and again. When there is no lauher in the crowd, he smiled and said: 

" You can´t laugh at the same joke again and again, but why do you keep crying over the same thing over and over again? "

Por hoje é só. Amanhã tem mais. See you.

Guilherme.

Filme 3D faz com que mulher fique grávida. Inédito

Adoro ler piadas.
Por hoje é só. Aamanhã tem mais. See you.
Guilherme.

Superstitions: Cats

The cat has always had a very special place in folk-belief. At various times, and in different places, it has been considered holy or as a diabolical beast. To kill a cat in ancient Egypt was sacrilege. The witchcraft of the Middle Ages turned the black cat into a creature that changed shape and helped perform rituals for the witch. Many people today still fear the black cat that crosses our path. But remember, cats are wonderfully independent creatures; they obey no one. Because they are not obedient, in some circles they have a bad reputation. But what kind of world would it be without cats?

Por hoje é só. Amanhã tem mais. See you.

Guilherme.

Reading Some classics

Lexiphiles (lovers of words…you know—you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish or… I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me….etc.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Reading: Jeans

Jeans are trousers  made from denim. The american blue jeans were invented by Jacob Davis and Levi Strauss in 1873. At the beggining, they were simply sturdy trousers worn by workers, especially in the factories during World War II.

James Dean´s character in the movie "Rebel Without a Cause" made these trousers popular, and in the 50´s many teenagers were wearing them as a symbol of youth rebellion.

During the 60´s, they became more acceptable and by the 70´s they had become general fashion in the United States for casual wear. Nowadays, jeans are wardrope staple.

vocabulary:
denim - brim
sturdy - forte; firme
youth - juventude
staple - a parte mais importante